I got it

Back in blog. yay!

Today I picked up Ryan in the airport early in the morning. It's really good to see Ryan here in Hong Kong, and I must repeat 10 times that we're lucky to have him here as his 4th country visit! 4th Country - meaning that he's warmed up, but he's not exhausted yet. =)

The past 2 weeks was definitely a period of "trough" for me. Some said "Depression is anger turned inward." Probably that's what happening. Tired, stressed, sick... and depressed.

I hope Ryan won't mind me sharing what he said in the meeting with all the LC members in HKBU. Yes, the first "formal" meeting that Ryan had, was a meeting with the newly recruited LC members!!! Fantastic!!!

I don't know how many @ers will experience that once a while, in their @ life, somehow. For sure, you won't want to share with everyone about your not-so-good experience in @ sometime. While I was trying hard not to express it, What happened? I alienated myself. And it got worse. Bursting out to somebody, that did not help as well.

Observing what's going wrong with me: I've got completely numb about "inspirational talks of @ers", "fantastic moments in @", "incredible @ journey", "amazing learning experience in @", whatsoever. (esp. during my depressed moments). I could hardly remind myself of that feeling, that emotion, that little fire inside you, that drives you to work crazily, that influences ppl unconsciously, that spreads this passion around you. I once thought that I'm a dry machine running AIESEC work every day, being here just because it's time to be here, working because deadlines are coming, nothing more. Yup, these two weeks, were probably the most terrible moments I had in @. It's comparable to the moment when I almost left this organization back in 2003.

Reasons? Quite some. There was external plus internal influence anyway. It's a mixture.

But, today, I got that little fire re-buring. I got that feeling of "life" back to me, I know that I'm not a machine.

Thanks a lot, Ryan. Your sharing was really a good one.

A member asked Ryan about the thoughness of getting through so many elections and selections processes in AIESEC.

So Ryan talked about how stressful it was, in his election and selection process to AI.

Context number 1: He was the second last candidate to have interview after 14 candidates. It's really stressful for him, cos the selection board might have been tired of having interviews, or, what if, the board has already chosen some candidate as a Director.

Context number 2: To handle this stressful process, he used a tactic taught by somebody who had applied for AI before - remember the moment when you clicked "send" in handing in the application. Remember the moment - how much you wanted this position.

Context number 3: So all the way when he's stepping into the interview room, he's thinking about this moment - which is why he applied for AIESEC International.

Main Content: The reason why he applied for AI - throughout all the years in AIESEC he has been working in very low capacity environment, and he needs to make things happen. When he was the newly selected ICX Director in AIESEC in Waikato, he was talking to an alumnus from Waikato. The alumnus asked what position he's doing. Ryan replied him. And the alumnus went like laughing and said "Good luck to you but there could not be TNs in Waikato" (or sth like that) This infuriated Ryan's determination to make that happen. And that's what he meant with low capacity environment, and you need to make things happen. To him, he could make it, so he's convinced that in @, nothing is impossible. And it is his passion of contributing that experience of making things happening in low capacity environment, that makes him run for AI.


Back to myself.
I've been there in New Zealand in a short period of time, and I have a rough idea of what it really means working there as a member. When I was in LC, I also worked in a low capacity environment. I understand that feeling. You don't know much about what's going on, you just know that you need to achieve your seemingly unrealistic goal, otherwise you cannot survive. No history of success, no current resources to back up, just some random good cases happening in other places, which you wish you could be in. You push yourself to work damn hard, using ineffective method, trying out everything possible, in a hopeless environment. And that's the point where you push the limits of yourself, and work out something unimaginable.

I got it. I got it back.

Motivation does not come from how successful we are now. Drive does not come from how amazing achievement we did, or we could do. The will power does not come from abundunt and increaseing capacity that we have.

Do not tell me how good you are. Do not repeat how amazing achievements you made. Do not preach how many people got here because of your success. I would definitely have been else where if it's perfect here in @ Hong Kong. I'm here because it's imperfect. I'm here because we're still struggling. I'm here because we want to Make Things Real.

Now, I really can feel myself, as a real person.